Thursday, May 21, 2009

Am I A Bad Mommy?

I never expected to get this emotional after months of enjoying my new role as a mother. Yes after everything that I went through from day one of my pregnancy up until now I immensely enjoyed the journey. I never dreamt of all this so up to this day it amazes me how natural this all felt.

The past seven months were never a breeze though. For first time moms like me who live far from their immediate family, most of the decisions would be based on trial and error. I did try my very best to compensate this lack of immediate help by educating myself through reading and taking notes but as most mommies would later on realize, at the end of the day, you will still rely entirely on your mommy instincts. The books can only help as much.

Anyways, as I was saying it was never easy for us - being first time parents. At first we thought that we've already hurdled the most difficult stage of all this. Receiving the news of me having phyllodes tumor when I was still struggling to breastfeed Maia at two months was quite a blow. But my instincts guided me to take the decision that would be most beneficial for our family. I was bent on breastfeeding Maia for a much longer time but then I knew that only radical mastectomy will buy us the most essential thing that she needs - TIME with her Mom. Learning later on that the tumor was malignant was even more difficult to take but by God's grace getting clear scans soon after was such a relief. We thought we survived the first 3 months, all else should be easy breezy by now.

But alas...how wrong can we get? It seems that the difficult part is just starting to unfold.

Later this afternoon, I called home to check on how Maia was doing. Imagine my horror upon receiving news that she got locked inside our house ALONE for almost 30 minutes earlier today! What's even worst was she was left on the floor and not inside her crib. I almost dropped the phone if not for the repeated assurance from her yaya that Maia is okay and is now back in her usual giggly self. I still wanted to go home that instant though. Good thing, it was raining really hard I still had time to collect myself together and calm myself up.

Thirty minutes later, while I was on my way home, I could not help but replay the scene (as described by the yaya) in my head and I could not help but think of the what ifs. I suddenly felt like I failed my Motherhood test today. I felt like I am not doing my best to keep Maia away from harm's way.

Today, I felt like I was a really, really bad Mommy. Sigh. Am I Maia?

5 comments:

Faye De Mesa said...

Don't worry Maia is proud of you, you're doing a great job raising her. Now it bothers me again if i'm going back to work, after reading what happened to Maia it scares me leaving Julianne with other people's care. Boch doesn't want me to go back to work but thinking of our financial needs....hay hirap mag desisyon!

Faye Pachoco-Paras said...

Hay oo nga. Right now I'm really wishing I can leave work muna and stay with her kahit until she's 2 or 3 lang. After that, she's ready for school. Kaso mahirap nga to make ends meet with only one of us working kaya my wish is really impossible. Hay. Hay. Hay. Sa accident na to di naman all to blame ang yaya kasi wala nakapansin naka lock ang knob from the inside. Hinipan lang ng hangin ung pintuan kaya na lock out sya. Yung mali nga lang is di nya pinasok sa crib si Maia. :(

Pero I feel you guys. My isang friend nga ako na based din dyan, she had to convince her Mom to stay with her for a year para she can go back to work muna while her Mom watches over her baby. Di nya kaya iwan sa strangers daw yung baby. Papasok pa lang nya sa work gusto na nya umuwi. But right now, nagsu school na din baby nya so naiiwan na sa daycare.

Jeng Aquino said...

scary ah... pero lam mo ba last night yan yung naiimagine kong puedeng mangyari kay baby? dalawa lang kasi kami sa room last night tapos may inaayos ako at palabas labas ako sa room habang si bebe natutulog sa bed. bigla ko lang naisip i-check yung door knob kasi sabi ko what if ma-lock si bebe. labas ako ng labas ng room ng wala syang kasama... wala lang, naishare ko lang kasi timing na kagabi kakaisip ko lang na di yata maganda yung ginawa ko or masyado akong tiwala na okay lang si bebe. hirap minsan ibalance kung kelan yung sa tingin mo safe naman si bebe o baka overprotective ka na...o well, lesson learned for us first time mommies :)

Faye Pachoco-Paras said...

hay tama...etong pagiging mommy mahirap na masarap. hehe. ako din kasi ayaw ko din tlaga maging overprotective that's why hinahayaan ko mag explore. basta konting untog lang wala sa akin. hay anyways okay na din naman ako ngayon. reinforce na lang tlg ng mga safety tools ang paligid para me katulong in case nalingat tayo sandali. by the way, meron atang nabibili pla para dun sa door jeng - finger pinch guard ung tawag. para wag magsara kagad ung pinto or cabinet habang nasa loob ng room si baby. parang door stopper pero pwdng ikabit midway na di maaabot ni baby para isubo

mae punsalan said...

hay sis, things like these (unfortunately) do happen. Nobody ever gets an exemption with things like these. The most impt thing is to not be hard and blame it all on yourself. You're a GREAT mom don't forget that bec you fought for your life just to be with her. Remember that always. :)

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